


enough - leave me be

by soapyconnor



Series: wolf, stag, dove [3]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Dysphoria, Forced Feminization, John really has a rough time, M/M, Please take care of yourself if you're dysphoric and don't read this if its too much, Self-Doubt, Trans Male Character, Weddings, mental breakdowns, trans john marston
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 15:50:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20509544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soapyconnor/pseuds/soapyconnor
Summary: eileen has seen her father wear a dress three times in her life--and each time, he was less than pleased.





	enough - leave me be

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this in an afternoon while sitting and watching super nationals so uh its definitely not beta'd and rushed.  
follow me on tumblr: johnsmarstons  
follow me on twitter: heggsys
> 
> THERE ARE EXTREME MENTIONS OF DYSPHORIA SO PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE OR STRUGGLE WITH ISSUES LIKE THAT ON YOUR OWN.

Eileen has only seen her pa wear a dress three times in her life. The stories had been whispered among the members of the gang when her parents had been out of earshot, and just remembering how _sad_ her pa seemed to be ingrained itself into her memory. (It doesn’t help that her daddy had written it down in his journal, writing about how he had tried his best to prevent Dutch from doing such a thing, but that in the end, they had been unable to refuse an order by someone considered a father to them).

The first time she can remember seeing her pa in a dress, it was when she was one. Or, at least that’s what her daddy had written in his journal. Seeing the photo of the three of them that had been shoved inside along the entry was enough that Eileen was able to see it as entirely a possibility.

Squeezing herself between the legs of some gang members, Eileen toddled towards the familiar forms of her pa and daddy. Raising her arms above her, she began to whine a bit. “Up! Up!”

John bent, gently picking up Eileen and cradling her close to his chest. She placed her head against his shoulder, and yawned. “I don’t think this is smart, Dutch.”

“Why not?” Dutch shot back, giving him a small smile as he reached over and tickled Eileen beneath her chin. She giggled, and hid her face against John’s throat. “You and Arthur love each other, do you not?”

John jerked his chin out, his entire body going tense. Arthur reached over, gently stroking at his bicep. John didn’t relax, just continued to stare Dutch down. “I do love him, but him and me? Gettin’ married? I’m a man, Dutch. Ain’t a woman, and neither is he. We can’t—”

“That’s what I’m sayin’, John,” Dutch said, gesturing in front of him. “You don’t marry him as John.”

John’s breath hitched, and it was Arthur’s turn to narrow his eyes and ask, “What the hell you talking about, Dutch?”

“I’m _saying_, we get him a dress, have the ladies do his hair up nice, the two of you get married and we celebrate!” Before either one could respond, Dutch scooped Eileen from John’s arms and tossed her in the air. “Don’t you want your daddies to get married, Eileen?”

Eileen giggled, screeching, “Yeah!”

“Come on,” Dutch said, turning Eileen to face Arthur and John. “How can ya say no to her?”

Arthur grit his teeth, taking Eileen from Dutch and tucking her inside his coat. John crossed his arms, his fingernails digging into his biceps. “You ever ask anything like this from me again, Dutch,” John replied, haughtily, “It won’t end well.”

“Would you like a ride on my shoulders, poco melocotón?” Javier asked, scooping Eileen up, before gently adjusting her white dress. Eileen giggled, reaching forward and squeezing his cheeks. Javier grinned, and leaned forward, blowing a raspberry on her cheek.

“You talk funny,” she told him, before made to climb up onto his shoulders. He helped her up. She wrapped her arms around his neck as they walked through the crowd. Everyone had already had a few drinks, the only remaining sober ones being Arthur, John, and Javier. Eileen arched her back, running her fingers through Javier’s silky hair. She spotted her parents, and beamed. “Papa! Daddy!” she shouted, grinning when their heads whipped around. “Look at me and Uncle Javi!” Javier picked her up, and lowered her into his arms. She reached for Arthur in particular, her cheeks beginning to hurt from how wide she was smiling. Arthur smiled back at her, and gently took her from his arms.

“Hey, baby girl,” he said quietly. Arthur was dressed in a fine black tux. It was better than anything she had ever touched, her mouth forming a wide ‘O’. She ran her fingers along the collar, the white button up he had beneath even softer than the jacket.

She turned towards her papa, still smiling, not quite realizing that there was anything different about the sight in front of her. Despite the fact he smiled back at her, John still looked displeased deep down. His hair was pulled away from his face, and it looked clean for once. There were white flowers braided into his hair, and even some light makeup. He was clean shaven, and was in a dress that was as equal in quality to Arthur’s. John was hunched in on himself, arms crossed over his stomach and looking like he was trying to hide himself behind Arthur.

“Pretty!” Eileen gasped, reaching over and kissing John on the cheek.

John’s smile was tight. “Thank you, baby girl.”

Only by reading her daddy’s journal years later, did she discover that later that night once she and Jack were asleep, did John cry into Arthur’s shoulder.

Eileen was nearing two the next time Dutch asked John to wear a dress. She doesn’t remember being present for the conversation, and neither made any mention of it in their journal, so she assumed she wasn’t.

She was laying next to Jack, listening to him read aloud from his penny dreadful, when her parents and Grandpa Hosea returned. Both she and Jack shot to their feet, Eileen practically sprinting across the camp towards them.

Arthur helped John off of his horse, and John was visibly shaking. Arthur took the sleeve of his suit and began to clean the makeup off of John’s face, while Dutch and a few others began to make their way towards them. Hosea picked up Eileen, causing her to whine.

John clutched at Arthur’s arms, his eyes wide and his shaking gradually getting worse. “It’s okay,” Arthur murmured to John, “It’s all right.” Arthur pulled the pins out of John’s hair, but it didn’t get better.

John was wearing a light green dress with accents of red around the breast, and from the hips down. His torso was more shaped like a woman’s than of a man. Eileen frowned. “Papa? You okay?” she asked, reaching for him, the same time Dutch said, “The hell is going on?”

“Get me out,” John suddenly blurted, his hands digging into Arthur’s shoulders. “Get me out of this, _now_.” Some of the men began to shy away at the sudden outburst, and the women all turned their heads out of respect. Jack was ushered away by Abigail. Eileen began to cry as she heard how distressed her papa sounded, and Hosea began to shush her, glaring at Dutch.

“Does he sound all right, Dutch? Never make him do this again. This was a _mistake_, Dutch.” Hosea snarled. Dutch frowned, and opened his mouth. Hosea kicked him in the shin. “I suggest you leave.”

Eileen sobbed; hands clenched into Hosea’s shirt. He turned around to see John standing in the middle of camp, completely stark naked and clutching tightly to Arthur, still shaking. Arthur gently stroked at John’s sides, shushing him.

“I’ll talk to Dutch,” Hosea murmured, “and I’ll take Eileen with me—”

“No!” Eileen wailed, “Papa, I want papa!” John’s head snapped up, turning away from Arthur. He took Eileen into his arms, shushing her and shielding her away from the camp as he hurried back to their tent. Arthur and Hosea watched the man go, Arthur turning to Hosea once the tent flaps closed.

“He’s never doin’ that again,” Arthur replied. “I refuse to let him get worked up like that again.”

Hosea nodded. “He won’t have too. I promise you that, Arthur.”

The third and final time, John didn’t even make it out of camp. They were camped outside of Saint Denis, in a place called Shady Belle. Eileen was sitting on the bed, coloring in a back page of her father’s journal, while John got into a dress, shaking all the way. He was supposed to play the part of Arthur’s spouse, the two of them new to wealth and rob a riverboat.

Arthur opened the door, and Eileen looked up for the first time to see John on the floor, the dress circling him and making him look like a rose. His eyes were blank, and when Arthur called out, “John?” he buried his face into his hands.

“I . . . I can’t,” John whispered, “I don’t know why I can’t—I can’t suffer through it—”

Arthur knelt in front of John, and gently took his hand, prying it away from his face. “You don’t need t’ suffer through anything. I’m tired of Dutch asking you. He should _never _have asked this of you.”

“But—the plan—”

“It’ll work without you,” Arthur murmured, “You don’t need to play a part that ain’t you. You ain’t a woman, John. Never have, never will be.”

John sniffed, leaning against Arthur. “Having two kids says differently.” Arthur shook his head, and continued to talk to John in a low voice. Eileen sat up, her eyebrows furrowing together. Was she the reason why her papa felt this way? Did she and Jack do something she didn’t realize?

She lowered herself off of the bed, and toddled over to John, kissing John on the cheek. “I love you, papa.”

John tugged Eileen into his lap, and sniffed, not replying at first. Arthur was the first one to speak, “Eileen?”

“Yes, daddy?”

“Is your papa like Miss O’Shea? Or Aunt Abigail?”

Eileen shook her head, light brown hair bouncing around her face.

“Who does papa remind you of?”

“Uncle Javier!” she said, excitedly. “And Uncle Sean.” She scrunched up her face. “Sometimes got Uncle Sean and papa confused when it was dark out.”

John sniffed, giving her a small smile and ruffling her hair. Arthur turned, pressing his forehead against John’s temple. “I will speak with Dutch. You stay here. I think Charles got something you can join in on.”

John kissed the top of Eileen’s head, hugging her tightly, before turning towards Arthur. “I love you.”

Eileen turned to see the two kiss each other, and she scrunched up her face and blanched. “Yuck!” she exclaimed, scrambling out of John’s lap. “I’m gonna go find Grandpa Hosea!”

“Be careful,” was all Arthur and John replied, Arthur reaching over to ruffle her hair before she toddled off.

She watched as John spun Abigail around, her dress looking just as fine as John’s had the day of his and Arthur’s wedding. Eileen’s heart leapt into her throat, the thought of her papa replacing her daddy pierced her heart. She knew he loved her daddy, would never stop loving him, and that he deserved to move on and be happy with Abigail. They both looked happy, the tension that had followed her pa for the past eight years was slowly easing from his face. Uncle Charles clasped a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to see him smiling understandingly down at her. She leaned against him, dancing along with him. Eileen looked to Jack, to see him looking extremely happy for the people who he had only ever considered as parents.

Eileen swallowed heavily in her throat, trying to find the same sort of happiness. She knew once her father turned her gaze on him, he would know something was wrong, but wouldn’t understand how to say it. So, instead, she studied him, seeing him in a tux that was not at all like the one Arthur had worn, but something similar.

For once, he looked happy. He looked self-assured. He was wearing what he was comfortable with. No one was forcing him to be someone he was not.

For that, she allowed herself to smile. Knowing that he was happy, even if it wasn’t with the person, he had planned on spending the rest of his life with. Small victories were enough for her.


End file.
